Assertiveness

Once Assertiveness Training was a tool to manipulate in selling. The English psychologist Anne Dickson changed the definition during the 80th, rephrased and taught it all over the world. At that time it was mostly for women, who needed to come forward, to indicate and create their right to be treated equally with men. To day the training is used as a communication and behaviour skill in the act of saying and doing something powerful.

The training at the courses brings the attention into situations, where your communication as well as your actual behaviour needs to be heard in a better way. This is whether you are using aggression or being too passive. To preserve a relation it is necessary that you show respect to others while you are respecting yourself as well.

Assertiveness is also about expressing your feelings. To be specific about what is going on with dignity and in a respectful way. In the following you can read about assertive behaviour in direct communication whether it is between two or among many people and about your body language.

Direct communication goes on between two or in a group of many people. It can be nice and harmonious or hard and rejecting depending on how you are feeling about the relationship. It is absolutely necessary to communicate directly if you want to keep a good and honest relation.

Conflicts and difficult conversations can not be avoided. On the contrary, a workplace, a family and a friendship need this to develop. Just imagine how evolution is part of our life and that the communication has to be specific to find out what it is all about. Therefore the direct communication skill is important. You must find an equal, serious way to behave, because every one needs to be treated with dignity and respect. It means that all from boss to staff member; customers, suppliers and who ever you might be in contact with deserve to be treated in a good way. Feel respected.

How does it work? It can be difficult to point out what makes a working day good or bad. The best day can have this characteristic: Many new events or discoveries, the pace is high, everything goes smoothly and the atmosphere is positive all the way through. When you analyse what made it so good will part of it be the communication. It had been clear and there had been contact. You have been acknowledged and confirmed that you are valuable. The challenges have been coming in the right amount according to the resources you posses.

Example:
On a good day: At a meeting your colleagues are supporting your new ideas. They also have some exiting input and you feel strongly the flow of expertise and cooperation going hand in hand.

On a bad day: The meeting can not begin be-cause two members from outside are late. The atmosphere is heavy and you are feeling awkward. After the meeting one of the bosses comes to confide in you about the two bosses who were late.

Here comes your dilemma. Can you openly show your irritation when the two arrive late? Should you talk behind their back afterwards? Or should you confront them afterwards on your own?

Choosing the assertive way is to tell about your feelings in the beginning at the meeting. At the times where you can feel the irritation start. »I feel that I am wasting my time by waiting.« When the two turn up confront them by saying: »It is late and it made me irritated. What has happened?« And after the meeting don’t gossip about them. Tell the other person to do what they like to do about it.

Assertive behaviour comes when you believe in your own power. Take initiatives, allow you to act instead of react.

Wait until the receiver has been lifted.
Be sure that you have established contact to the other person before you start a dialog. This contact can be troublesome in a strain situation. Feelings and thoughts become difficult to separate and your behaviour will seem inappropriate for the listener and you.

To make a break can do wonders, but un-fortunately we are not always able to ask for this »time out«. It can anyway make it more obvious to get clear about what belongs to the actual situation and what does not.

The eye contact is very important. It shows you if the contact is established. Pauses give the other person time to be present. Sometimes when our communication becomes a failure it is because we have forgotten to make sure about this. Their physical appearance is obvious but their mind might be occupied with something else.

Example:
Your partner is reading a paper and you ask them do something for you. They mumble. You think they have understood and wonder why nothing is happening. Later they say: »I did not know you asked me to do anything.« Or »Was it me who had to do the shopping!«

Make sure every time when you want to communicate if the »receiver« has been taken.

Otherwise you are suppressing yourself. Unconsciously as it might seem.

In all conversations where you have been wondering about what went wrong, nobody noticed a question from you, do analyze first if you had made the contact to the other person.

Speeches in large groups
Do you ever ask yourself this question: »Have I the right to talk about this here?« Our personal rights can be ignored or denied. In asser-tiveness training we are responsible for this denial ourselves. Everybody can feel ignored by others sometimes. If this happens, try again using the same words, but with a louder voice and see what then happens. »I have the right to say when I can not understand!« Simple, but for some this prevents them from speaking up. It can make you start an inner dialog and then give up, or the speaker has gone further to the next subject.

Example:
You are new and you are sitting at a meeting with two very experienced colleagues. There are several things you want to know. What is stopping you in asking?

Here are some possibilities:

• You do not want to look stupid.

• You do not want to delay the process, and maybe you will find out later.

• You have tried asking, but nobody answered

• You asked, but did not understand the answer

• Sometimes they have a sarcastic way of speaking and you are afraid they could take it out on you.

• You asked and they told you to wait, but it was not obvious how long.

• You have asked once and caused silence.

In assertiveness training you start with yourself. What would you have liked to do? Let’s take your rights again: »I have the right to ask, when there is something I don’t understand!«

Do you believe in that? What was that precisely, you wanted to know about? To have a direct answer you need to ask a direct question and to understand your motivation. For example: are you asking the question because you are new or because you are eager to learn. That is why short and specific questions are good. You have to deal with the fact if your workplace can understand feelings expressed in this way: »I am nervous to bring this up, I will now ask if anybody can tell me ...« or »I have noticed that sometimes it goes very fast, so I will ask ...«

One day you might experience that you are telling about some difficulties you have with a colleague of yours. The listener might give you this answer: »It is difficult for me to listen to it as well as make a comment. I also know him and work with him – I am in a way disqualified.« This person has demonstrated assertive response.

Body language:
You might choose not to express: »I don’t understand!« Suddenly the other person says: »Am I confusing you, by what I am saying?«

Your body language has shown something. It could have been a lifted eyebrow, finger or hand touching your forehead or shoulders shrugging. The signal was received by and commented. Sometimes people just notice and either change the way they are speaking or leave.

If your body make a turn away, it can be a sign of showing that the subject is boring or difficult to listen to and unconsciously you want to get away.

Your body is a unique instrument in many ways for yourself and for others. Your body knows what is going on before it becomes a conscious thought for you. That is why the teaching about body language can not be generalized.

What is going on inside can be: A lump in one's throat; pain in the stomach, sweaty hands or warm cheeks are signs to notice and take serious. You can express them together with your feelings: »I am so nervous to say this that I have got a lump in my throat ...« What it does for you is loosen up the lump and for the listener shows an honest body language. If you don’t, they might get double signals and mis-understand your message.

Be also aware of how other people’s body language affects you. If they yawn – can it be boring what you are saying or they can be tired. Ask what it means.

Example:
You see a person from a distance moving their hand up and down.

Does it mean: »Hi there!«, »Come«, »Go away quickly« or »Good bye«?

If you have a stomach-ache every day thinking of work or before a family dinner, think about if you have participated too long and not taken care of yourself. Then you need to make a change. It is only you who can feel what you need to do and decide if you want to do it or not. Many people can have suggestions but you are the one who is responsible for your own life.

Assertiveness training
When you are assertive you are clear in communicating your needs in verbal terms as well as in behaviour. Ready to respect others needs as well as your own. Compromise or negotiate to the level of two winners.

Assertiveness training teaches you to dig deeper into your own motivation and take new steps in personal development.

Written by: Birgit Sabinsky. Certificated Asser-tiveness trainer and Gestalt Therapist. Spe-cialised in groups from worklife.